Friday, March 20, 2015

In which I have all the Bucky Feels


Last night, since everything in the world is on reruns because Sports**, we watched The Winter Soldier for the evening's entertainment. And you know, I saw it in the theatre, but I haven't seen it since, and between the viewings I had like a year of Tumblr pointin out tragedies to me. So here's all the Feels I was getting:

Other than Bucky:
- Peggy! I forgot that she was old and sickly and forgetting that she was talking to Steve in the middle of talking to Steve! I read a fannon post somewhere that had the idea that Shield gave her something that looked like dimensia, because she knew too much, and that made me even sadder.

- Natasha! Like, how sad she looked when Fury died, and what that meant about how important he was to her. And that moment when she didn't think she deserved the effort Steve put into keeping her alive? Oh my god. I don't ship those two specifically because I love how they function as friends--how he believes in her and how she's always amazed by it. How he's so genuine he inspires her to be honest and honorable, and how she sort of gets protective of him. Glorious.

And then onto Bucky. Bucky is a big old ball of horror and confusion and tragedy.

Like, he must've thought that Steve failed to save him back in Cap1, and who knows how hurt he was when Hydra got him. Did they tell him it happened on purpose? That Cap didn't try hard enough?

And then in the movie--he's framed as the villain, but he's a straight up victim. He's kept young and alive, but whereas Steve was frozen the whole time and woke up effectively the same a he was when he went out, Bucky doesn't even know who he was. His very identity was taken from him along with his arm. It was bad enough in the beginning, but once he starts trying to remember, it get so much worse, because then he starts to know how much he's been manipulated, starts to become aware. 

He's been an operative for fifty years, at least. How often did they wipe his memory, painfully, because he was startin to see how the world changed and he didn't? How often because he was starting to remember? 

And that fight at the end--Steve refuse to fight him, and he's so confused he gets angry. Like, that's his purpose, his only reason for being, as far as he's concerned (it seems), and Steve, who he looks afraid to remember, refuses to participate because of who he was before. Because of something he's not allowed to know--something he's probably subconsciously holding onto but suppressing. And by that point, we know for sure that he's remembering, and he's so outraged, so horrified about all of it, that it's heartbreaking.

And then after! After, Hydra has fallen, Shield has fallen, he's gone AWOL, and what does he have? A bad history of extreme violence, a lot of lies, and a lot of questions. He has Steve, but he doesn't know that, and might be actively avoiding him. 

It's a lot of Feels. I mean, I thought the Loki Feels took all the space in my heart, but apparently I have bottomless reserves of Feels.

And now, going into Civil War, and the idea that Steve will go looking or Bucky and might die (or thereabouts), and knowing that in the comics, sometimes Bucky is Cap... How will he deal with all this? Who will want him back under control and who can he go to for help staying free? Does he remember on his own? How much more horror can he hold?

Ugh, good job Marvel! Angstiest of all the angsts!

*I need to make more headers for this blog because really, ALL of these posts are Geekery...
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